Expat Loneliness: Being Okay with Being Alone Abroad
I Moved to Another Country and Now Have No Friends
Ah yes, the expat life.
Many want it, few can go for it, but all who’ve lived it know one universal feeling.
Loneliness.
If you find yourself saying “I moved to another country and now have no friends”, then welcome to the party!
You see, I always loved the idea of traveling and starting fresh in a new country. But one thing I grossly underestimated was the statement every expat seemed to say.
You are going to feel so, incredibly, earth-shatteringly alone in the beginning. Have fun!
Okay, maybe they didn’t phrase it like that. But they did mention you can feel isolated.
At 19, I moved to a different state to live on my own. I thought that is what feeling lonely felt like. The only person I knew in the whole state was my older brother, and sometimes I didn’t see him for days. I figured the lonely thing wasn’t so bad since I saw someone I felt close to every once in a while.
Fast forward a couple of months and I decide to drop everything to visit Argentina. I had the best time of my life, met my best friend (who later became my boyfriend), and grew so much from this experience.
But…
I have never felt so far away from family, friends, and any sense of familiarity in my life. And since deciding to stay abroad long-term, moving states paled compared to moving countries.
So if you feel like you don’t fit in, you’re out of the loop, and family/friends/home is all just too far away, I get it.
More importantly, these feelings are all normal.
Eventually you adjust to the new world around you, and the icky, sad, hole-in-the-heart feeling will go away. I promise.
Right now, all you have to do is breathe and take it one day at a time.
It helps to understand why you might feel this way, how long it might last, and how to get over it ASAP.
So, grab a drink and get comfy while we learn to be okay with being alone abroad.
Loneliness vs. Homesickness: What’s the Difference?
Expats living abroad may feel lonely, homesick, or even both.
Depending on your situation, you might be leaning towards one more than the other.
I’ve gotten over that heavy lonely feeling my first few weeks (side note: months) living abroad. I’m better now, but every so often I feel a little homesick.
Again, it’s totally normal for you to feel this way while integrating into your host country.
But what’s the difference between being lonely and being homesick?
Loneliness is this nagging feeling like you don’t have any friends or company with you. You deeply miss family and friends, and you don’t feel connected to the culture and locals around you.
Homesickness can still pop up after you’ve gotten past all that.
You might have made friends and established some relationships in your host country.
But on special occasions, like holidays and birthdays, you miss the people you love back home. Those special days don’t feel the same.
Or, if you’ve swapped mountains for beaches or nature for city living, you might miss seeing the familiar sights and sounds of your old home.
I’ve traded my neighborhood moose and bears in Anchorage, Alaska for literally nothing here in Bahía Blanca. Just birds.
But now that we’ve noted the difference between the two, we can focus on how to deal with loneliness in this blog post.
Why Do People Feel Lonely Abroad?
Even the most adventurous and travel-loving expat can feel lonely. Why?
We get so excited by new sights and sounds, so why is it so hard for us to leave our old roots behind?
Honestly, there are so many reasons that make it difficult.
Some include language barriers, cultural differences, and mental health.
Chances are you struggle to make friends because of these reasons.
Do these sound like you? Let’s check…
Language Barriers in Your Host Country
You show up to your new country and can’t speak a single word of their language.
Or, if you’re like me, you’ve studied for six years just to move where the dialect is completely different from what you practiced and took tests on.
If you can’t communicate with locals in their language, it can make your day-to-day life harder.
Now we do have the internet and plenty of language-translating apps to help you get by.
But let’s face it…
You cringe at the thought of using Google Translate for an entire conversation over coffee.
It used to be a breeze to order, make small talk, and meet new people easily in your home country. But now, you’re intimidated to try and make friends with this language barrier. You feel awkward and don’t want to push others’ patience.
This has been my #1 problem making friends abroad.
My biggest advice here is to try and learn the language.
I know, I know, painfully obvious advice. But there’s more.
You see, there really is no better way around this problem than to learn the language of where you live. Especially if you’ve moved to live there long term.
The secret to this advice?
Let yourself look stupid.
Yup.
Get comfortable with messing up and looking like an absolute fool. Go ahead and laugh at yourself too.
You might say things in the most roundabout way possible. You might give a completely different answer to what was asked of you. Hell, you might ask a question and not get a response because locals couldn’t tell even tell you asked a question.
I did, and still do, all of these on a daily basis. It’s just part of the learning process when you move abroad.
Not only do you have to let yourself make these awkward mistakes, but you have to let yourself have fun with it.
You have to make these mistakes as a beginner of the language or while you adjust to new dialects so that you can learn, grow, and get better.
One of the first few friends I made here in Argentina happened because I let myself sound stupid. I couldn’t remember vocab for pets and animals back home so we used charades and animal sounds.
In a park, in front of her other friends, and the very first time meeting her.
Did I look weird? Yeah. Did I sound weirder? You bet. My animal impressions are spot on though.
But do I regret stepping out of my comfort zone to practice new language and make a new friend? Absolutely not.
The more you practice the language, the easier it will be to do the things you need and meet the people you want. It goes a looong way in helping you feel less isolated and lonely.
Plenty of options exist to help you learn a language, such as:
Practicing in-person with a local (sometimes you can find group classes with other expats too)
Online lessons (I recommend looking for online tutors from your host country so the dialect you learn is the same as you will be speaking)
Mobile apps/platforms
Language groups on Discord
Self-teaching through movies/videos, reading books, and listening to music in the language
If you can at least talk to locals, you are one step closer to making great long-lasting friendships abroad.
However, if the language barrier isn’t what’s holding you back, it might be the overwhelming fact that things are different.
Cultural Differences Between You and Your Host Country
Culture is incredibly complex and multifaceted. So, it’s no surprise that there are differences between your home and host country abroad.
After my “honeymoon period” of moving abroad, I felt a lot of frustration with how different my new country and way of living was. This is a well-known stage of culture shock.
This frustration held me back from appreciating the people around me, which kept me from making friends.
I felt upset and alone even though moving abroad is what I wanted.
It started off fine in the beginning. I saw everything through pink heart-shaped glasses. I woke up excited every day because I was living my best life abroad.
After a little while, I got used to it. The fantasy stopped feeling like a fantasy.
I started noticing all these subtle differences that made life seem a little more tedious compared to the States.
I was used to big stores like Target, Walmart, Costco, and Ulta where I can walk in, find what I want myself, and leave. I was used to self-checkout and minimal interaction with others.
I couldn’t stop noticing how it was the exact opposite where I now live.
Stores are more specific, so I have to visit a specific shop for meats, another for vegetables, and another for dried nuts/special health foods (think what you’d find in Trader Joe’s). I couldn’t pick my own fruits or vegetables, and many times I’ve gotten home just to realize half my haul was moldy or bruised.
If I wanted makeup, I had to ask someone to show me what kind of mascaras, blushes, etc. they had. I could see them behind her counter, but I couldn’t check out the products and brands closely myself. No touching the merchandise, so I had to wait for her to swatch it on me.
Shopping for necessities started to feel like a nuisance and time-consuming hassle. I couldn’t understand why people had to have so many stores instead of one big one, why I couldn’t be left to shop my own products in peace, and why I couldn’t enjoy the ease of self-checkout.
That frustration made me bitter, and the bitterness made me feel lonely.
So when cultural differences start to annoy, frustrate, or even anger you abroad, there’s a way to make it easier on yourself.
Here’s how:
Put back on those pink heart-shaped glasses you used to wear.
Let go of your expectations for how things “should work” around you.
Note everything that makes your host country’s culture beautiful and unique.
Look for that beauty and value in everything around you.
Basically, I want you to romanticize your life abroad by looking at the culture with an open mind.
I noticed that Argentina values and emphasizes relationships much more than we do in the United States.
All that shopping we do in big stores with self-checkout?
There’s no connection. There’s no chatting, no learning about who you’re buying from, no room to personalize those relationships around you.
Here in Bahía Blanca, I see the same workers almost every day. We catch up on what’s happening in our lives, joke around, and have genuine conversations.
I’ve even been offered an apartment to rent out and furniture to buy from the guy I buy vegetables from.
Every day I recognize how interconnected and caring the community is here.
I’m no longer frustrated with how different things are. Instead, I’ve learned to enjoy how different it is, and even incorporate those values into my own life.
When you stop focusing on the negatives of your host country, you will stop feeling disconnected and lonely.
When Personality and Mental Health Holds You Back
At the end of the day, making friends might have always been hard for you.
Moving abroad brings many challenges for expats. It might make existing problems, like socializing, harder when you feel out of your element in an unfamiliar place.
The thought of meeting new people and making friends might stress you out or make you anxious.
The same thing happened to me, and caused me to overanalyze every detail of every interaction I had here in Argentina.
Do they like me? Did I come off weird? Am I talking too much? Too little? Too loud or too quiet? Am I sitting to close, standing too far, wearing the right clothes, etc etc etc.
I’ve basically stuck with the same friends from elementary to high school, so I felt a little out of practice with meeting new people. My natural introvertedness plus anxiety made it that much harder to get out there and make friends here.
It can take more time to overcome this than dealing with language barriers or cultural differences.
Moving abroad will not only involve you learning about others and making an effort for them, but learning about yourself and making an effort to feel grounded.
What does this look like?
You are going to have to make some lifestyle changes (and seriously hype yourself up).
Since moving abroad, my new life motto has become “fake it til you make it”. And that’s exactly what you’re going to do.
As you familiarize yourself with your surroundings, imagine you are the most outgoing, extroverted, gregarious person to ever walk this planet. What would they do?
Make conversation. Everywhere.
Start making random conversation with people you see often. It could be small talk, or a longer chat about a mutual interest you learn you both share.
Again, be comfortable with making mistakes and looking weird. But talk as much as you can.
It gives you a chance to learn and improve your language skills and get comfortable socializing. It becomes less and less intimidating when you do it often.
Next, you’re going to do the things you love.
If you’re into reading books, find a local bookstore or library and visit often.
Is art your thing? Buy some supplies and make mini projects for yourself.
If you’re missing your home gym then find a place to workout at and treat yourself to some new gear or clothes.
The point is, make sure you are grounding yourself by doing things that make you happy.
Remind yourself that you brought your own joy with you abroad.
Remind yourself that you are a brave adventurous bada**, and that you are the reason you will have a good day.
There were times I forgot this. And there will be times you forget it too.
But always remind yourself that your happiness and confidence doesn’t come from whether you have friends or not.
Now, in addition to chatting it up and doing things you love, I challenge you to try at least one new hobby with other locals.
I’ve taken up yoga at a studio near my apartment.
I’ve never done yoga before (unless you count my meager attempts in the privacy of my parent’s house).
I challenged myself to yoga classes in Spanish, with other students, for an hour and twice a week.
I was so lost and confused in the beginning.
Even when our eyes should be closed, I take a peek around to make sure I understood directions and do the poses right.
But I’ve been able to simultaneously work on reasons #1 and #3 of why I felt lonely abroad. I’m getting over the language barrier and meeting new people over a shared interest.
Yoga has actually been perfect since I’m naturally introverted and don’t want to talk a lot. For majority of the class I just enjoy the company of others without saying a word!
You will learn more about your city, the people around you, and even yourself when you find new interests abroad.
It’s intimidating in the beginning, but the reward is so worth it.
A newly discovered hobby, new friends, and a boost of confidence? Who doesn’t want that?
Getting Over Expat Loneliness
Most expats feel lonely at the beginning of their move.
There is so much to take in and adjust to, so it’s normal to feel these emotions when you first live abroad in a foreign country.
However, the more you try to immerse yourself in the culture, the easier it will be to overcome expat loneliness.
Allow yourself to grieve the sense of familiarity, your friends and family back-home, or even a long-distance relationship.
You are human and allowed to feel upset, even when it looks like you’re living the dream.
Remember that you have support at every stage of your journey, from loved ones back home and from other expats around the world.
Have you experienced loneliness living abroad? I’d love to hear your story in the comments and any advice you have.
